Another week, another stack of pristine, untouched digital pages. The days go by, and once again, the promises I made to myself are left sitting, undone. Another week feeling stuck at this never ending vicious cycle. Once again I let the excuses, my thoughts and my fears win. It really gets me thinking, “what the hell is wrong with me?”. If you’ve ever stared at a beautiful idea, project or dream and felt a wave of paralyzing anxiety instead of inspiration, you know exactly what kind of vicious cycle I’m trapped in.

I have been working really hard in the past few months trying to understand what is it that moves me, what is my purpose in life, how I want to live my life. And I keep going back to the fact that I need to exercise my creativity, and live with the freedom of location and schedule. I searched deep to figure out my path. Long story short, I came to the conclusion that I need to be on the move, travel and experience the world, along with my passion for writing, a passion that I only recently found out about.

It all started with a few novel ideas that I had. These ideas first came to me when I was in high school, and since then a few new ones formed. I love these stories I’m creating in my mind and I think others can enjoy and appreciate them just as much as me. But novels are not the only things I want to write. I have many ideas and thoughts, experiences and perspectives that I can and would love share and that I truly believe can resonate and be helpful to others.

Here I am, with this grand dream and goal I want to achieve. Those that know me are probably worried for me. Thinking that I am delusional, and that this is not how one lives life. Making a living off of writing is nearly impossible and why am I wanting to throw away all the things I worked so hard to achieve? Or are they? Maybe this is all in my head. Honestly, I’m too scared of even sharing these ideas to find out their opinion. But I know that this big and exciting endeavour is possible, if only I did what is necessary: Sitting my butt down and writing. What I’m experiencing isn’t just standard laziness; it’s a deep-seated creative procrastination, a paralyzing fear of starting that keeps my best ideas as just that, ideas.

And yet, how many times did I sit to pursue this passion I so strongly want to follow? Aside from a letter I wrote for someone I care about, this is time number one. It makes me look closely at the psychological blockages to writing that I’ve built up. Maybe my friends and family are onto something when they think I’m crazy and delusional, and that I will never become a successful writer. Once again, is this what they are thinking or is it me trying to sabotage myself before I even begin. If I continue on this path of avoidance and procrastination, they (family, friends and fears) will definitely be right. However, I simply cannot allow that to be true.

So why does it seem like I am working so hard to prove them right? What is it that is blocking me from enjoying this passion that lives inside me? Is it because a part of me agrees with them? Is it fear? And if so, fear of what exactly? Is it because I don’t believe in myself? Do I believe I might not have anything interesting to say? Or could it be simply a case of laziness? Perhaps a big mix of all of the above.

The Shiny Object Syndrome: From Notebooks to Notion

Buying notebooks was something of a hobby I had when I was a young girl. It was way before computers and tablets were even a thing. I remember seeing all those blank pages, filled with lines just waiting for me to take over with all of my thoughts. It saddens me to say that since then I had a hard time putting my thoughts and ideas into words, no matter how much I wanted. Every time I saw a brand new notebook at a store, I thought to myself, that was the right one: it was the right cover, the right size, it had cute pages and fun colored details on the pages. That was the notebook that would finally spark that inspiration and I would finally write down everything that was bottled inside me. And once again those pages would end up blank. Another possibility wasted.

This is a pattern that continues to this day, but instead of notebooks, I now collect tools and technologies that will be ideal to set me up me for success. Apple notes, Notion, Google Docs. It’s a classic case of shiny object syndrome, where organizing the perfect setup replaces the vulnerability of doing the actual work. A computer and a tablet later, here we are. Perhaps the tablet is finally what I needed since it is with it that I am finally writing these words. But it is naive of me to think that was I needed to get this passion going. Can I even call it a passion if I don’t work on it tirelessly?

The Van Gogh Fallacy: Demystifying ‘Passion’

Whenever I think of passion I think of Vincent Van Gogh. That is someone that only knew how to live by following his passion and it was unthinkable to not act on it, to the level of obsession. The fact that I don’t live through my passion like he did, how I don’t breath and eat writing, I feel like I don’t deserve to say this is my passion or my calling. Let’s be honest, who do I think I am to compare myself with a genius like him? But in reality, even Van Gogh admitted to struggling with paralyzing anxiety and doubt.

Of course the blank notebooks are not my only legacy of projects and ideas unfulfilled. If there is something I’m good at is having a million ideas, imagine a whole different life, build an empire, take my thoughts to a higher level. But that is all I do. I imagine and never go through with it. Once I realize all the steps – the hoops and loops I need to jump through to get my idea to where I imagined it can go, the time it will take to get there, I freeze. I panic. I feel overwhelmed. And I move on to the next idea. This new idea is better. This new idea will get me the life I want. I will finally become the person I dream to be. This idea is easier and will bring me better results. The previous idea was the wrong idea for me. Until I come across the same issues with this whole new idea, and I move to the next. That will be the one. Who knows, maybe this my so called passion for writing is just my newest idea that will become overwhelming and I will end up moving on to the next one.

Truth be told, this record of mine is really tiring. It’s exhausting. The mental cost of avoidance is incredibly heavy. The idea comes, I dream a life, an empire, a new me. I can picture it so clearly in my head. I can see the end result very clearly. I get so excited, inspired and hopeful! The future is so bright and cannot wait to get there. I plan, I come up with the steps to put this idea into practice. I build this amazing and brilliant project outlines and I know exactly what I need to do to put into existence. I obsess over it. And this obsession can last a year, a month, a day or an hour: Ice Cream Truck to go from beach to beach (I love ice cream and I live in South Florida. How is this not a thing already??). A Jewelry empire where I can 1. Create luxury jewelry, but using semi-precious stones (we don’t need more diamonds when you have the deep hues of Amethysts and Citrines…) and 2. Create a bridge between the small independent jewelry artists and those who will appreciate it. A Brazilian Cafe (I’m a Brazilian girl with a family that lives and breathes restaurants. It’s only logical I follow the steps). You get the idea.

Once I have this whole new project down, now it is time to act on it! And here is where it dies. Because my brain just received a massive dump of dopamine just by planning this whole idea, but now it becomes real, which makes the actual execution feel boring and difficult. This is the moment I find ALL of the excuses to why I cannot do it. I don’t have the funds or the time. I need more knowledge so I need to research more, do a course of some kind, learn something new. It won’t bring me the financial return I was hoping. I have no credibility. It’s too much for one person to do. There are so many others doing the exact same thing out there, why would they give me their business? Those other brands or companies are better than what I can offer. It will take too long. Because once I envision this idea I want it for yesterday. Just thinking it might be take me months or years to get to that final picture I have in my mind, makes me go nuts. The doubts and fears just keep piling in. The dread and anxiety becomes palpable.

It’s not just anxiety that takes over. I feel guilt, ashamed, like a waste, like a failure. Once again I will be disappointing those around me, because once again I’m not going through with I said I was. There is a tight pressure around my heart. I cry. I hate myself. I call myself lazy. I just confirmed all my fears. I proved I wasn’t good enough. Or I just plain lie to myself trying to convince myself that just wasn’t the right idea for me or that I need to focus on something else that is now more important so I don’t have time to pursue this specific project. Now it’s the time to lose that weight I’ve been putting off. Going to the gym and exercising is time consuming and I will not be able to do both. Or whatever is the excuse I want to come up with this time around.

It’s easy to mistake this pattern for simple flightiness, or a lack of true interest in the work. But the truth is much deeper: the dread doesn’t come from the work itself, it comes from the heavy emotional weight of perfectionism. We run away to a new idea not because we are lazy, but because a new idea hasn’t had the chance to fail yet.

I’m not the exception here. I’m not special and I am not alone with these patterns. Although knowing it, doesn’t make it easier to break the loop nor makes me feel better. Also knowing this is neuroscience in a nutshell doesn’t necessarily help. It just explains it. It’s like trying to lose weight. You know what you need to do. You know you need to exercise. And change your eating habits, making more conscious choice. But knowing all of that does not mean you do it. And the same applies here.

The Neuroscience of Avoidance

The brain wants rewards now (me wanting to have the future me I envisioned now, not in five years). Doing the hard work, going through the process to achieve my dream is hard, lengthy, and it will cost hours I could be relaxing and doing much more pleasurable things. So to avoid the “pain”, I avoid it. According to Dr. Jud, Psychiatrist, Neuroscientist from Brown University, procrastination “is fundamentally an emotion regulation problem, not a time management problem”. Understanding this concept of emotional regulation procrastination completely changes the game. It also explained why all the things I’ve been doing so far to try and “fix” my procrastination problem have not worked. I’ve tried breaking the task into smaller bites, setting timers, use the 2 (or 5) minute rule. And I still procrastinate like it is my mission in this world.

Ultimately, by procrastinating I’m simply trying to avoid the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that come through. I’m trying to feel relief. However, it is clear that the avoidance is not bringing me the relief that I expected. It may come disguised as a temporary relief, but does it really? While I’m doing anything else but the thing I actually want to do, it is making me feel worse. Because I’m still thinking about what I should be doing instead.

Finding Your Bigger Better Offer (BBO)

Part of the solution, according to Dr. Jud, is to become curious to why one is avoiding the thing one wants to complete. Asking ourselves “what does avoidance actually feel like right now?”, “is avoiding this task actually making me feel better?”, “what is my brain getting out of this?”. And from there trying to find “Your Bigger Better Offer (BBO)” by asking yourself “what is the smallest thing I can do on this task right now?”, “What am I actually afraid of? What specifically feels uncomfortable?”, “What would it feel like to just start, even imperfectly?”.

It was answering questions like these that I came to some conclusions. For starters, I need to admit to myself that the fear is real. Fear of what lies ahead, of the uncertainty, of the challenges, fear of the unknown and fear that the results may not be as I pictured. But beyond that, I should be excited. Excited with the unknown and what the process is going to look like. Because the possibilities are infinite and no matter how much I plan and play different scenarios in my mind, the results are most likely not going to be as I imagined. I can only envision things according to what I already know, have experienced or witnessed. I am, by definition, limited in imagining the possible end scenarios. The results can be exponentially better and I shouldn’t be limiting my life to what I already know, because the world has much more to offer and isn’t that my ultimate dream, experience what I don’t know? Find out what’s out there? Beyond all that, the process to achieve any goals or get to any end destinations IS what I am looking for (and should you, in my opinion). Because everything in our lives are part of the process. As the great philosopher Miley Cyrus said in one of her songs “Ain’t about how fast I get there. Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side. It’s the climb”.

My whole life is a process, and everything I do, at all times is part of my development. In the end, I want to be in constant discovery, learning and developing. I will never stop. Not until I pass along to the next phase, whatever that may be. The only destination that is guaranteed is my death (not trying to be somber here!), and no matter my beliefs, not even what comes after is known. One can only hope and have faith.